Saturday, February 24, 2018


One of the precious lessons I've clung to from my childhood is that there is always someone uglier and someone more attractive than you. There's always someone less intelligent and someone smarter than you. There's always someone less successful and someone more successful than you. There's always someone poorer and someone richer than you. There's always someone not as funny and someone much funnier than you. (Anyone who knows me knows I'd beg to differ with that one. I laugh harder at my jokes than anyone ever should. I think I'm hilarious)

But, the lesson was one taught to keep us humble, grateful and driven to always do better, always BE better.

If you were to meet me, you'd believe I excude confidence; NOT arrogance, but confidence. For the most part, I do. For the most part many people do. But, in the quiet moments, when no one is around, and I'm left with the reflection of all I've ever done, both right and wrong.....those are the times I have my doubts.

I doubt my ability as mother. I doubt the job I've done with my children to make up for the fact that I'm the only parent they have.  I doubt that I've made the right decision when it comes to almost everything I've ever done for the girls. I wonder if I've shown my parents, my kids, my siblings, my nieces, my nephews, my friends, my co-workers, my clients, the cashier at the super market...pretty much everyone in my life how much I love them and what value they have.  I question if I've ruined Molly and Reagan's lives by working so hard to give them a better life; is everything I've ever done counterproductive? 


Then, I'm shaken to the foundational teaching that reminds me there is always someone in a worse place than you and someone in a better place. There is someone who will never see their small child again. There is someone who has lost their parents early in life, lost everyone they love, lost everything they've ever known. There are people who wake up and fight the urge to stay in bed because facing the day is too painful, yet they put one foot in front of the other until they go from struggling not to crumple under the weight of the heartache to learning to walk again.  There are children who know the truest definition of abuse, neglect and abandonment. There are young people, and old, who have never experienced what it is to be truly loved and to have value.  There are people who would trade their lives, and problems... and insecurities.... with me, gladly. There are people I'd never want to trade my burdens with, both because some would be too heavy for me to bear and because some would seem so superficial that I find it to be a better lesson in caring so deeply about others that it does bother me if I feel I've failed them.


Beating myself up for everything I think I've done to fail those around me is beginning to feel more and more like self-pity and self-centeredness. It's time to stop hiding self-hatred behind the mask of caring about others. At some point it's time to stop beating myself up; get up, get moving and make the changes I wish were already in place so I don't question if others in my life know how I feel about them. It's time to stop wishing I had done more, and actually DO MORE.


It's time to be grateful for the fact that someone is fighting a tougher battle than the one I've created in my mind. It's time to get back to always DOING better, always BEING better! 


I refuse to let what my parents taught me be in vain!  I'm a child of the King, it's time I honor that by living that!